I Think I've Lost My Mind
by Clumsy Peg
Summary: Jazz is dead. Optimus is worried he can't come back. Ratchet is miffed that his skills are doubted. So what happens when this cranky medic gets an idea for revenge? Rated just in case for language and very mild adult themes.


**Okay! I revamped this so its a little better to understand, but its the same general story as the first one, except a few more details are written in. Not one of my best stories but that's just my opinion. Read and review please?**

**Oh. Yes. I don't own Transformers. T.T  
**

* * *

Optimus leaned worriedly over Jazz. "Are you sure you can bring him back?"

Ratchet looked offended. "Of course I can! What kind of medic do you think I am?" He said indignantly, attaching two wires to Jazz's spark chamber. The wires led back to a very large and complicated-looking machine of Ratchet's own invention. Still miffed at Optimus's doubt, he prepared the machine, but "accidentally" forgot to tell Optimus to stay clear of Jazz due to the electric shock coming. Ratchet smiled evilly and flipped the switch. A gigantic bolt of electricity surged through the wires, into Jazz, and also into Optimus who had his hand on Jazz's shoulder at the time. There was a huge flash and Optimus was blasted backwards into the wall of the medbay.

"Oww…what the frag was that, 'Ratch?" Optimus yelled.

"Oops. Sorry about that, Optimus," Ratchet said, chuckling.

"Have your processors gotten crossed? I ain't Optimus, I'm Jazz!" Optimus yelled back in Jazz's voice.

Ratchet paused. _"Oh SLAG...I'm so dead..." _he thought. "Wait…If you're Jazz…then…" Ratchet turned towards Jazz's body. Jazz sat up, looked around, and asked, "Why is my body over there?" in Optimus's voice. Then it dawned on him. "RATCHET!!"

"Hey, wait! I'm tall, man! I'M TALL! YES! My dream has come true!!" the real Jazz yelled triumphantly, standing up and admiring the sight of the world from up high. He started doing a victory dance, singing, "I'm taaaalll! I'm taaaaaalll! I'm tall, I'm tall, I'm taaaallll!"

Optimus slid off the table and stood up. "Oh goodness…I never knew how short you were, Jazz!"

"Yeah, well, now you know-"

"I feel so tiny…Primus, I'm a midget!" Optimus wailed.

"-wait an astrosecond! I'm not _that _short, Optimus!"

Ratchet sat back and enjoyed the bickering of the two body-switched mechs. "_Actually, this could get really interesting…I should make myself comfortable."_ Ratchet found himself a relatively safe corner (in case things got out of hand) and continued surveying the scene.

"Oh, come on Jazz. You complain about your height all the time!" Optimus teased. "Hey, dude! Don't make fun of my height, yo! I can still kick your aft from here to Cybertron!" he added, doing his best voice impression of Jazz.

"Hey! My voice isn't that high!" Jazz squeaked, which made Optimus and Ratchet laugh harder. "Oh yeah? Well what about you, Optimus? Ooh, I'm the biggest Autobot around! I'm all high-and-mighty but I'm so noble its okay for me to boss everyone around! 'Freedom is the right of all sentient beings!'" Jazz retorted, doing his best Optimus impression.

"Hey, Jazz, that's not fair making fun of my motto!" Optimus cried. "Anyway, It's a lot better than yours! 'Do it with style or don't bother doing it.' With that motto, you shouldn't bother doing half of what you do! Its all half-afted!"

Ratchet laughed from back in his corner. "Ooooh, _burned_, Jazz! Are you gonna take that from someone that size?" He asked.

"Hey!" Optimus and Jazz said at the same time, both realizing he was making fun of each of them.

"What's all this commotion?" Ironhide said, peering into the medbay. Sideswipe was right behind him. An evil idea played across Ratchet's processors when he saw them. Before Optimus or Jazz could speak, Ratchet grabbed the two wires and said, "Hey! Guys! Grab these!"

"Okay…"

"Um, why?"

And Ratchet flipped the power on again. Another huge flash, and Ironhide and Sideswipe were blasted apart from each other. _"Oh, I'm so going to the Pit for this, but it _will _be worth it!"_ Ratchet thought, smiling his evil smile. _"I deserve a little fun anyway with all the work these idiots give me."_

"'Ratch! What the slag was that?" Sideswipe yelled, trying to push himself up. "And why do I feel so heavy…and stiff…" Sideswipe struggled to push himself up and fell backwards due to the extra bulk of Ironhide's body.

Ironhide pushed himself up so hard he actually fell over. "Agh…guess I don't know my own strength anymore…" he said, looking down to check out his arms. Wait. These aren't his arms! His cannons are missing!!!!! Wait…these arms look like Sideswipe's! He looked across the room. "Sideswipe!" he bellowed. "What in the name of Primus are you doing in my body?"

Sideswipe looked across at himself. Weird. Then he realized what happened. "Oh, frag…If I have to look like ol 'Hide here, does that mean I have to be as cranky as him too?" he asked.

"I. Am. Not. Cranky!" Ironhide yelled back through clenched teeth.

"Yes, you are!" Came the unanimous reply from the other mechs.

"Heeeyy…I have cannons now! Sweet!"

"Don't you dare activate my cannons, Sideswipe…" Ironhide warned.

"Oops, too late!" he said in a falsely innocent voice. Ironhide's cannons whined as they came to life. "Hey, these are cooler than I thought they'd be! Quick, give me something to shoot!"

"You're way to incompetent to work my cannons!"

"Hey! Who are ya callin incompetent?"

"You, ya slagging aft-head! You cant hit anything during target practice! You just go skatin' around on those slagged wheels of yours, flippin over and around us while we work, sayin 'Damn, I'm good!'" Ironhide said, mocking Sideswipe complete with exaggerated skating.

"Well I can't live at the range like you do, fragger! I'm big and tough Ironhide! I like to blow things up in my spare time because I take better care of my cannons than anything else!" Sideswipe teased, doing a hilarious (but accurate) impression of Ironhide.

"That's a good one, Sides!" Jazz yelled from above everyone.

"Haha, thanks dude. What's it like from up there?"

"It kicks aft, that's what! I almost don't want my body back…"

"Jazz…" Optimus warned.

"Aw, don't get your wires in a bunch…er, my wires in a bunch…anyway. Don't get so worked up! I want my overwhelming sexiness back."

"Are you insinuating that you're more attractive than me?"

"Duh! And better at interfacing while I'm at it."

Ratchet whistled in amazement. _"He went there. Jazz totally went there," _he thought. _"Maybe I should end this before it goes too far………naah. They're big bots. They can handle a few insults."_

"Well I must wonder how you even pull interfacing off with a port this small!" Optimus retorted.

"Ooooh, ouch!"

"Nice one, Optimus!"

"Oh yeah?" Jazz said, highly insulted. "At least I can still get some! And I'm not just talking about Prowl!"

There was a short pause in which the whole room was dead silent, then Optimus asked, "What the…who else…?"

Sideswipe started whistling and looking up at the ceiling.

"What…oh, Primus no…there is NO way I'm letting you interface with him in my body, Sides!" Ironhide yelled out.

"I wouldn't wanna interface with your old as slag body anyway, Hide!" Jazz retorted.

"Just cause I'm old, doesn't mean I don't still got it!"

"Hah…I'll take your word for it, Hide. Anyway, I still got Sunny in his own body. I can still get him!"

"Oh, no you don't Jazz! Don't even think about it!" Optimus yelled up at him.

"Why the mad face, Optimus? You jealous?"

Optimus retorted, "You are not going to use my body!"

"Aw you're just upset that you don't get any, Optimus!" Sideswipe teased.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Jazz said. "Optimus, you and Ironhide can get away with interfacing! Everyone else will think its still me and Sides!"

Ironhide and Optimus stared at each other for a moment, then both quickly turned away.

*cricket chirps*

"_Awkward…" _Ratchet thought.

"_What_ in the name of Primus is going on in here?" Jetfire yelled, barging into the room with his walking stick.

"Uhh…"

"Um…"

"Well…"

"Hey, Sides! Is everything okay? I felt like something weird happened not too long ago," Sunstreaker asked, looking at who he thought was his brother.

Ratchet jumped at the chance. "Guys! Over here!" he beckoned, holding out the wires. "I think you should hold these."

The others watched as Jetfire and Sunny were pulled into the same trap they were. Well, if they got caught up in it, the others should too!

_Flash._

"What the slag…ow…dude, my joints feel all old and creaky!" Sunny said, trying to get up. "Ahh! I cant get up! I've become a cripple!"

Jetfire was silent for a moment, looking around and figuring out what happened. "_Hm. Must be some sort of a body switch_," he thought after a while of thinking and looking down at his new body. Then, over Sunny's continuing lamentation of becoming a cripple, Jetfire yelled angrily, "Sunstreaker, I am NOT a cripple!" at his former body. That's when it hit Sunny. "Wha? Oh, frag! I'm…I'm…I'm old!" he wailed miserably.

The other Autobots laughed at his reaction. Sunstreaker was by far the most vain of all the Autobots. Even more than Jazz. And THAT was saying something.

"What's so wrong with being old?" Jetfire asked indignantly.

Ignoring his question, Sunstreaker crawled over to a mirror and stared in horror. "My face! My beautiful, golden face! Its gone! I'm so _old_!" he wailed. "Its like…its like I'm the Pit Keeper!"

This elicited roars of laugher from everyone.

"Aww, poor Sunny!" they teased.

"Hey, now it won't take him three hours to get ready to go out!" someone else yelled.

The laughter and bickering went on and on, each Autobot bashing the other. Insults and yells filled the medbay.

"_Where's a video camera when you need one…" _thought Ratchet, thoroughly enjoying the scene.

Jetfire easily jumped up and chased Sideswipe around for agreeing that he was the 'Pit Keeper', which made Sideswipe run into Jazz, making him fall over and hit a tray of medical supplies, which rained down on Optimus and Jetfire, making Jazz and Sunstreaker cry at the dents and scratches in their bodypaint, causing Ironhide to laugh at them, which made Sideswipe retaliate for making fun of his brother, and shot a cannon blast at him a split second before realizing he shot at his own body, which actually hit Ironhide in the middle, causing him to be forced backwards into the machine Ratchet used to body switch them all.

"Look what you did, aft-head! You broke the machine!" Ironhide yelled. "Not to mention shot at yourself!"

"But I _told_ you I can hit something!"

"Great, now what are we gonna do?"

Ratchet took this moment of confusion to tactfully slip out of the medbay. Things were really starting to get out of hand, and sooner or later one of them would realize who was responsible for the body switching in the first place. He breathed a sigh of relief when he closed the medbay doors. And locked them, _just_ in case.

Just outside the door, he ran into Bumblebee. "Do I even want to know what's going on in there?" he asked over the shouts and bangs coming from within.

"Nope."

"Didn't think so. Hey, wanna go watch TV?"

"Sure, Bee."

The muffled yells and insults could still be heard down the hall as the two bots in their own bodies walked to the TV room.

* * *

Little did Ratchet know, someone was videotaping the entire thing.

"Lazerbeak, return." Soundwave commanded. Lazerbeak flew back to the Decepticon base from spying on the Autobots.

"Soundwave, play the tape of the Autobots!"

"Yes, Lord Megatron."

As the tape started playing, the Decepticons could only stare.

"What in Pit's sake are they doing?" Starscream wondered aloud, his half-eaten sandwich falling from his limp fingers. He stared in slight horror at the scene playing before him.

"_Jazz, you'll regret that!" Sideswipe yelled._

"_Make me, Ironhide!" Optimus replied to him._

"Have they lost their minds??" Bonecrusher asked, peering over Barricade's shoulder and watching the mechs in question act completely insane.

"They're kind of scaring me…" Blackout said, shuddering. He looked around him. "Where's my teddy?"

"…Hey, guys…I think we're gonna call off the raid on their base tonight…" Megatron said slowly, optics beginning to twitch. "This could be some sort of trick, or set up or something…or maybe they've finally gone insane…" He was at an utter loss of what was up with these Autobots. But it was seriously _freaking him out._

"Yeah, I don't feel that comfortable attacking crazy mechs…" Barricade added, shivering.

"NO! Bad Scorponok! I how many times have I told you that teddy isn't a chew toy?" Blackout screeched, chasing after his scavenger which left a trail of fluff.

"Frenzy! Bring me back my sandwich, you worthless pile of scrap metal!" Starscream yelled, trying to capture the little cackling mech.

"Atta boy, Frenzy!" Barricade laughed.

Megatron shook his head. He couldn't take any more of this nonsense. "I'm gonna go recharge before I loose any more of my processing ability."

* * *

**So, just to clear some things up, these are the body switches that take place:**

**Jazz and Optimus switch**

**Ironhide and Sideswipe switch**

**Jetfire and Sunstreaker switch.**

**When referring to each Autobot, except in the very beginning and before they get body switched, I am referring to the mind of the Autobot, not the body. For example, when someone yells, "Jazz!", they're actually yelling at Optimus's body.**

**I hope I made that clear enough for you!**


End file.
